So in my quest to find Jane the perfect Christmas present, I’ve been perusing eBay. I decided to check out vintage toys, because, hello, vintage. I was just not prepared for what I found.
The dolls above? On first glance you think, “Eh, okay. I mean, they’re not that bad.”
But put a bloody gash on their foreheads and you’ve got all the makings of Walking Dead Aryan Nation zombies. And call me crazy, but I really want to find a fine tip magic marker and give those poor gals some eye pupils. Everyone deserves eye pupils.
This is a poodle, with real dog hair, on a pull-able skateboard, with a paper mache face expressing what can only be described as pure terror at it’s once-upon-a-time Ted-Bundy-baby owner.
Or how about a demented vampire rabbit with a rotten carrot? Because who doesn’t want to cuddle up with this guy, roll over in the middle of the night and stare into his pink and orange acid tripping eyes.
But the absolute cherry on top of my search was, well, whatever this is. It has glass eyes and real fur AND JUST LOOK AT THOSE TEETH. No I’m not kidding. Look at those teeth. And then stop looking at those teeth because it’s in everyone’s best interest that you’re able to sleep tonight without waking up screaming.
In summation, Jane’s Christmas presents are going to be new, have that plastic smell and have absolutely no vintage character.
Some things are just better new.
Like sofas.
Underwear.
Shoes.
Dentures.
And toys that have zero amounts of real dog hair or razor teeth.
